My Spotify Playlist – Track 5
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Las Vegas’s finest, The Killers, provide the motivation in the fifth track in my Spotify play list.
I’ve been a fan of the Killers for several years now. I suspect like many others I first discovered them on the back of Mr Brightside in 2004. Over the years they’ve moved away from the indie rock sound that initially drew me in, but every album has had at least one song that has stick a chord with me.
Rut by the Killers
Rut comes from their fifth studio album, 2017’s Wonderful Wonderful. The song was inspired by frontman Brandon Flowers’s wife Tana’s battles with post-traumatic stress disorder and how she sought counselling to overcome it. If you’ve read through some of my earlier posts, you can see how I get something from this song. It became one of the songs I gravitated towards during my initial stay in hospital
Don’t give up on me
‘Cause I’m just in a rut
I’m climbing but the walls keep stacking up
The opening lines of the song set the scene. When I was in the netherworld of uncertainty, not knowing why I was in hospital, this was almost a cry for help. I wasn’t in a rut as such, but I had no idea what was wrong and the different possibilities that were being suggest were the walls that were building up. I don’t know if it’s cancer, a brain tumour, a stroke, MS…but please don’t give up on me.
Stiff Upper Lip
I’ve done my best to fill ’em
But the cracks are starting to spread
Trying to put a positive spin on what happened was difficult. There was an element of denial that I had a new life altering condition. I don’t recommend the stiff upper lip approach to an MS diagnosis, the cracks spread and looking back, probably contributed to the emotional meltdowns I had in the early days (as they will always been known).
I can’t keep pretending this next stop isn’t mine
There was a period of denial, and the difficulty of accepting the diagnosis. I guess for a long time I wanted to hope that I had something more curable than MS. That is an odd way to think about it. However, as time has passed, accepting that I have MS has gotten easier and consequently my mental health has improved.
I’m Still Me
So I’m handing you a memory
I hope you understand
That steadily reminds you
Of who I really am
In reaching out to friends and family, I wanted and needed help. Equally I wanted people to still want and need me in their lives. Yes, I had a new condition that previously I did not, but under all of that, I’m still me.
Keep Going
I’ll climb and I’ll climb
I’ll climb and I’ll climb
I’ll climb and I’ll climb
I’ll climb and I’ll climb
I’ll climb and I’ll climb
The song builds to a euphoric finish, repeating the mantra, the determination that Tana will beat her depression. Likewise, I am determined to be as strong as possible in the face of MS. It floored me initially and it still knocks me down from time to time. It’s not easy but don’t give up on me.
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